for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
