I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
