3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it wasn't lemon gatorade
im six kinds of drunk right now
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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