you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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