That's when you crack a 10am beer
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
