omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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