I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My brain says no but my pants say off.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
