dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i am craving dick and cupcakes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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