There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
