He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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