I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
