I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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