dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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