I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
