one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
