ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
