I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
