i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the day after is always just damage control
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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