Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
