careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
