where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
