Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
