Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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