somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
