I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Farmville is her only friend.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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