I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
