I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she looked like the before picture.
there was a trapeze. enough said
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
