I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
