Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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