i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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