half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
