just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
