Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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