Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
