I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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