did you get engaged???
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
