You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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