you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
