If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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