i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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