420 ftw
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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