I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
