My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Your cock deserves a montage
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
