she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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