my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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