i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
