she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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