You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
