You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
