Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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